I felt goosebumps. I wished it were the goosebumps of joy like what I had experienced many times in the past. But no, this was the goosebumps of fear. I felt the weight of the world was on me. I was lying down on my bed and little by little I felt I was losing my breath. The room was dark but I could feel that my vision got dimmer and dimmer. I thought I was experiencing a heart attack. But there was no chest pain. That far I knew. I was the captain of my school’s youth medical response unit during high school.
I had cold sweats on me. It felt like I was going to die. I thought I was. This was February 2010, one year after my wife passed away.
I rose and sat on my bed instead. In a moment close to death like that, at least so I thought, I only could go one way, deep in my spirituality. I was a youth minister during my past life in Los Angeles for almost 13 years. In times of uncertainty, I always knew that my Creator never failed me.
I whispered upon my wife’s name, then I uttered, “God, Rosa has passed away from cancer a year ago. But here I am. I feel empty. I want to start living again but I don’t know how. Instead of being alive, I feel that I am about to die in the next few minutes. Have mercy on me…” I was shaking.
The gentle caress of my spirit turned my head to the right. I saw my precious son asleep so peacefully. Flashes of images came at me. I saw him finished high school and entered college. I saw him in front of my wife’s resting place and whispered, “Thank you Mama, I have finished college now.” I saw him matured and grounded. I saw him achieving his dreams. I saw him having his own wife and children. I saw him shining brightly as the enlightened warrior that he is.
My tears were running and I got down on my knees, “God, Cyan had lost his mother. I want to experience my son’s victories and celebrate those by his side as his father. Please help me.”
I knew if there were going to be a change, it needed to start with my body. I was overweight, physically and emotionally. I went to the bathroom and got on my scale. I was 252 lbs. At 2 am, I got down to my garage and saw my dusty treadmill. It had been sitting there unused for a long while. I started walking on it. After 45 minutes and broke some sweat, I sat down in silence. I looked deep inside, “The next chapter of my life starts now.”
In the morning, I searched upon my symptoms and for the first time in my life, I knew I had experienced a panic attack.
June 2012, I did my run in the morning. During stretching, I came across a friend who said, “You look slimmer.” I nodded and said thank you while giving my thumbs up. Then I said silently, “What a long way it had been since that night when I thought I was going to die. I remember the moment in 2010 when I stood on my scale and said ‘195 lbs.’ as a goal to be conquered. Now here I am, two years later and fifty-five pounds lighter. I have arrived.”
I whispered my gratitude to the heavens. From glory to a greater glory. Many other dreams were still waiting to be embraced.
I breathed my son’s name and said, “I love you.” I let the wind carried my thought to his soul who was half a globe away with my parents in Indonesia for his summer vacation.
“Thank you son for being an inspiration for Papa.”
Bro Chan – Life Coach